Fit tab A into slot B

Congratulations. Despite La Poste's best efforts to destroy it, your parcel – somewhat dented but otherwise intact - has arrived. Hidden beneath layers of bubble wrap sits an exciting new electronic thingy, covered in buttons and ports into which other devices get plugged – and which only your kids and wife understand. Nevertheless, it is (apparently) the apogee of cutting edge technology and will not only render every other bit of multimedia kit you've bought redundant, but will ensure that your otherwise meaningless existence will once again become worthwhile. So far, so thrilling - but when the bloody thing won't start and you have to resort to the user manual, you remember that it came from a French on line retailer – and the fun really starts.

For some inexplicable reason, nos amis delight in excising anything that even approximates to English from their instruction books. Flipping through page after page after le section Francais, you'll easily find Spanish, German, Dutch, Polish, Russian and probably, if you look hard enough, ancient Aramaic – all of which are deemed more important than the world's primary business language. But not to worry – both the kids have spent their school lives here, actually understand what a gigabyte is and are totally unfazed by hyper sensitive touch screens. French text suitably absorbed, a short while later there's a deeply satisfying buzzing, LED lights various flicker and we have lift off.

For those more linguistically challenged, it's a different story. Figuring out how use your latest domestic appliance, or putting a flat pack anything together sans English text will test your patience and IQ to breaking point – and if you've been tempted to buy it from your nearest megastore (itself a 5 time winner of le surliest retailer de France award), don't expect any help there either. In order to retain some thread of sanity then, a couple of rules; if your heart's desire can't be posted, pay over the odds and buy it from your friendly local retailer – who'll actually care and happily fix it if there's a problem. And if it can, use Amazon – tu sais it makes sense.