It’s grammar, innit

For those of you subjected to state education in 1960’s Britain and whose children are working their way through the modern French equivalent, good luck. Not for them a bunch of groovily shirted and frequently braless teachers, happy to ignore traditional teaching methods and instead into free expression, roll ups and the occasional half hearted riot. Man. Mais non – for all the frustrations of le system Francais (no one turning up if there’s a hint of snow, scary dinner ladies and an aversion to streaming kids according to their ability), they’re deeply into grammar.

Which, you think, is a good thing - right up to the point where you’re asked for help. Naturellement, your 9 year old will expect you to be as adept at this as you pretend to be at everything else – and he’s in for a big disappointment.  Given that in the last 50 years your closest brush with Latin has been reading Asterix whilst on the loo, you’re not ideally placed to discuss the relative merits of the past historic vs the subjunctive.  And avoid like the plague intransitive verbs – unless you’re searching for alternative fart words (as in ‘blow off’ being the vi of ‘blew off’). This should earn you extra parental points and move the conversation into more manageable territory.

But don’t despair – your ipad is at hand. When quizzed if the pluperfect version of a verb is absolutely the right thing to use, simply look suitably knowing then google the damn thing. Remember, you’re old and your brain is now full - and no one is going to tell you off. Other than your kid’s teacher when she finds out.