Country Life ; 2. Owls, Bats & Cats

Thanks largely to Harry, Ron, Hermione and pals – and for the first time since the middle ages – the current pre teen generation is stuffed with aspiring witches and wizards. Happily, these are enlightened times where followers of alternative lifestyles are embraced, rather than strapped into ducking stools, cast into the wilderness or burned at the stake. And assuming that your little darlings follow this unusual path through to adulthood, their subsequent attempts to cure obesity and interesting venereal complaints with a handful of herbs and joss sticks – rather than stomach staples and amoxicillin – will guarantee them admiration for their particular unhinged charm. 

However, without the necessary stimuli their fledgling magical careers are likely to morph into accountancy, leisure centre management or flogging computers in PC World - and the pointy hats and battery powered wands will be forever consigned to some dusty corner.

Here though, your child’s enthusiasm to fulfill his or her occult ambitions has a least a chance, as standard equipment in creaky French farmhouses includes the wildlife they need, but that you neither expected nor necessarily wanted – most of which is not only wholly uninterested in your presence, but also your bijou accoutrements and improvements. So come dusk, in addition to the manic scurrying of squirrels in the rafters, Hedwig, his missus and their chicks (plus any other itinerant Barn owls who’ve come along for the party) will screech like banshees whilst dismembering mice in the loft directly above your bed and then end an evening well spent by venting themselves down your newly rendered walls.

Similarly, in those attic neighbourhoods unoccupied by Tufty and your resident feathered hoodlums, you’ll find bats. Loads. And if you take a moment to look at them closely (rather than screaming, flapping your arms around and bashing your head on a low beam as you sprint for the door), you’ll find them delicate, soft to the touch and really rather beautiful.  Cats too are hardly an endangered species, not least since the locals have a deep rooted aversion to neutering them (and paying monsieur le vétérinaire for the privilege) - so you’re virtually guaranteed to have one arrive on your doorstep within a few weeks of taking up residence. Wizarding convention dictates that black is the colour of choice, but don’t worry if the first one isn’t – like buses, another one will turn up shortly.

And even if the prospect of growing up creating evil smelling potions and dancing naked around standing stones (and wearing opera cloaks when not) eventually palls, at least your kids will have had the opportunity to practice their spells and have been surrounded by the requisite potteresque wildlife - which may come in handy when wishing their future mother in law would disappear in a puff of smoke. Expelliarmus!