Two secs

Definition; a variable unit of time ranging (rarely) from the indicated 1/30th of a minute to infinity. And, air traffic controller like, it’s used to put whoever is doing the asking into a holding pattern while you are finishing off the job you’ve already been given, pulling on an over tight pair of trousers or waiting for the ref’s whistle to blow (having spent the last hour and a half watching the match and being in no mood to miss the end). And by your kids too when you enquire if they’ve finished whatever video game they’re playing.

Your offspring live in a happy parallel universe, blissfully devoid of boring grown up stuff (like work, an endless list of domestic duties and ensuring that you are regularly complimentary about your spouse’s chosen attire), so it’s forgivable that destroying yet another colony of virtual zombies takes precedence. But given that the sky is, as usual, a peerless blue, the local tennis courts are empty and the swimming pool is approaching a bearable temperature – it’s time to get outside and make the most of it.

Your childhood memories are likely of brief, not infrequently wet summers, each bracketed by an equally damp spring, autumn and winter. And when not toiling over dusty textbooks at some depressingly Dickensian pile, venturing outside inevitably required jackets and wellies. And you didn’t have an x-box either.

So you’re allowed to be envious of this carefree, French countryside childhood – the only blots on their landscape being a brace of ferocious school dinner ladies and, given you are at the very end of the telephone line, occasionally iffy wi fi. And a father who doesn’t understand the appeal of Minecraft. Loser.