Enquiries 3 ;

Dear Sky, Topsy and Ziggy – thank you for your email (which, as requested, I haven’t printed out - and yes, I’m sure mother nature will reward me in my next incarnation). I understand that your father, the 3rd Earl, has – as you so delicately put it – snuffed it. I note your other comments as to his passing, and whilst you were clearly dismayed when he eloped with the under footman, it seems his will – and final act of largesse – has proved him to be suitably repentant.

I gather that with these funds to hand, you would like to set up a self sustaining commune in our area, its doors to be open to all (with the important caveat that they went to the ‘right’ sort of school and have no wode allergies). As to your specific requirements, these include; a ‘modest’ 20 bedroom manoir, built from responsibly and locally sourced materials and with ‘cosy’ 14ft ceiling reception rooms, not less than 100ha of walled grounds, helicopter pad (with environmentally sustainabale surface), sufficient garaging for your 3 (bio fuel powered) Range Rovers, organically maintained formal gardens (with solar powered fountains) and, (in descending order of importance and opulence) stabling, kennels and staff accommodation.

I gather you’ll be unable to conduct any property viewings until Mercury is in retrograde, but can be contacted at your Antiguan beach villa until then. In the interim, thank you Ziggy for your kind salutation – and may the seed of your loins be equally fruitful in the belly of your woman.

Best regards