Enquiries ; 1

Dear Mrs Buckshott – thank you for your lengthy and informative email. I was sorry to read of your husband’s demise - but, as you say, a 50 inch waistline and a passion for microlight flying rarely make good bedfellows. That all 3 of your husbands have met with unfortunate accidents is tremendously bad luck – I suppose it’s some slight compensation that each left you well provided for. And, of course, good luck with number 4!

 Following your nuptials, I understand you and your 7 children intend to move to our area – along with your au pair (Ping Ping) and your bodyguards, Kurt and Sven. I note your comments that K and S, being Spetsnaz trained, won’t require accommodation, and a simple hide in the garden will suffice.

I’ve also taken account of Anastasia’s garlic intolerance, Edwin’s fear of ‘pointy’ bread and your dislike of driving on the right hand side of the road. Each of these can be addressed, but, necessarily, finding a 12 bedroom chateau within walking distance of - in order of importance - a bar, beauty salon, gym, Starbucks, shops and school – but sufficiently remote to avoid the paparazzi – represents something of a challenge.

All that said, we’d be delighted to help with your search. Whilst not particularly looking forward to the positive vetting and strip search required prior to meeting you, I understand that your personal safety is paramount.

With kindest regards