Woodman, spare that tree

Summer’s long gone, the swallows have fled south and it’s getting a wee bit chilly at night. Given that it was bloody hot for months and even the first half of Autumn was agreeably warm, the last thing on your mind was firing up the dusty wood burner lurking in the corner of the room – which actually needs a damn good clean. So, in blissful ignorance of the volume of soot and half finished bird’s nests that await, you assess the job as one of the 5 minute variety and gleefully ram your somewhat tired chimney brush up the tube.

Two hours later, most of the detritus has been hoovered off the sofa and your better half is talking to you again. A liberal application of some robustly corrosive spray completes the job, removing both a layer of your skin and most of the gunk off the glass door. And now it’s time for a fire. Or not. What little wood you had left over from last winter was used with gay abandon on the barbeque and it’s way too late to get a delivery, especially given that your canny (& more seasonally aware) neighbours had theirs carefully stacked away months ago. Just like last year, in fact.

Desperate to avoid incurring the wrath of the boss (again), you track down a couple of cubic metres of what’s supposedly dried Oak – but turns out to be mainly softwood, with all the calorific value of damp seaweed. As a last resort and with trusty chainsaw in hand, you head off to the stand of Oaks at the end of the field. Resplendent in moth eaten lumberjack shirt and one of those fashion disaster earflap hats, the next week is spent dismembering the half a dozen trees that have fallen since your previous foray and then ferrying the logs back home. The birds and occasional passing deer soon get used to your daily intrusions and, sitting by the offcut fire as it lifts the chill from the morning air, you take a moment to examine your mud ingrained, bramble ripped hands. There’s no mobile signal, your back aches, your boots are stuffed with blackthorns and you turn the bath water black every night. In short, perfect.